Friday, August 6, 2010

Tekken (2010)

*Sigh* Where do I start? I am not even dignifying this review with any sort of quote, besides it would probably just add to the stupidity that is "Tekken". Being a huge fan of the games over the years, I suffered through this pile of garbage knowing full well nothing good would ever come from it. We all know that film adaptations of video games always turn out terrible or as close to terrible as possible without making you want to rip your eyes directly from your skull but the thing is I don't understand why they keep fucking up such a simple premise!! If you watch a movie like "Bloodsport" or "The Quest" with Jean Claude Van Damme then you've seen what movies like this or "Street Fighter" (1994) should've turned out to be: A bunch of excellent fighters come together for a violent and dangerous fighting tournament from all around the world. Pick one main character, don't rewrite the back story for him or anybody else to make it modern or fancy, and let the martial arts drive the story. The biggest issue I have with this dung heap is the ultra-modern, overly-detailed plot it was given. Instead of a simple tournament in the current year, this film takes place in a post-apocalyptic 2039 where after a sort-of World War III large Corporations have taken over the world. The Corporations then battle it out for control eventually dividing the world up into pieces amongst the 8 that are left. These 8 are referred to, collectively, as the "Iron Fist" and every year each Corporation sends its best fighter to compete in the "King of Iron Fist" tournament. If you know anything about the games your probably hanging and shaking your head in shame right now. It's bad...very bad. Terrible dialogue, awful acting and boring martial arts. This movie is based on a fighting game for pete's sake! At least they could've had some bad ass fight scenes but even those suck the life right out of this incredibly poor adaptation. Stay FAR away from this stinker. 0.5/5 -andy

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