Commando (1985)

"I eat Green Berets for Breakfast...and right now I'm very hungry!"

Like Tom's review for "Red Heat" this will be relatively brief. If you've ever seen a parody of 80s Action, namely "Hot Shots" and a few others like it, then you've seen "Commando". It is every Military-Infused Action cliche rolled into one movie. I'm at a loss how to review it, though. Taken on its merits as a part of American Cinema it is a joke but I can't tell you how much fun I had watching it. There were more one liner's than you could count and they were all gold!! The villain had an awful fake accent and Arnold's former pal turned bad guy Bennet, well, he could have been in the Village People. The guns are huge and loud and in the climax of the film, Ah-nuld is carrying so many guns they are literally hanging off of him. All Ah-nuld has to do is pull the trigger and wave his massive gun from left to right and bad guys just fall down...oh my god, it was 80s Action Movie cheese at its best. I won't say much about the story because honestly there isn't much to say. Ah-nuld is John Matrix, yes you read that correcty, John Matrix. He is a retired Army commando who lives with his daughter in the mountains of Northern California. Ah-nuld's former commando teammates start getting picked off so his former commanding officer visits to warn that he may be next. Immediately following the Generals departure Ah-nuld is attacked, his daughter is kidnapped and he is forced to go on one last mission but this time for the bad guys. Let's just say it doesn't turn out too well for them.

I said in my second opinion to Tom's "Rambo: First Blood pt. 2" review that IT was the epitome of 80s Action but I was wrong, "Commando" is what people think of when they remember 80s Action: Unrelenting, unrealistic, full of machismo, death, violence, gore, infinite bullets and Ah-nuld. Loved it. 3.5/5 -andy

Red Heat (1988)

"Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all the drug dealers, all drug addicts, take them to public square, and shoot them in back of head"- " Ah, it'd never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn't go for it" - " Shoot them first"

Oh Ah-Nuld. Quick breakdown: Bad Soviet vs. Good Solviet. Bad guy gets away and flees to Chicago. Bad guy caught in Chicago by local police. Good Solviet sent to pick him up. Bad Soviet escapes. Good Soviet assisted by Funny Cop try to track down Bad Soviet. Imagine Arnold in full "Terminator" mode with a really bad Russian accent. Imagine Peter Boyle (television's Everybody Loves Raymond - he plays Ray's Dad) as the Chief of Police, along with Jim Belushi playing, well, Jim Belushi. Add in some eye candy of a young twenty-something Gina Gershon, Laurence Fishurne when he went by Larry. It is straight 80's, from Arnold's kid-in-play hair to the mullets all the bad guys have. The handguns sound like shotguns, the shotguns sound like AK47's, and the punches sound like trees falling. This is probably the worst Arnold movie from the 80's I have ever seen. But on the brightside there is tons of great Arnold one-liners and as I mentioned before with a REALLY bad Russian accent. So that made it worth watching. 1/5 -tom

The Running Man (1987)

"I'll live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!"

So this wasn't on my initial list of movies to review this week, but the idea of leaving Sci-Fi out of 80s Action Week just didn't seem right in a decade where the two were associated so closely. For anybody who isn't in the know, "The Running Man" is based on a novel by Richard Bachman (AKA Stephen King) and it tells the story of a future obsessed with TV and Violence; an idea not so preposterous when you look at our own pop culture today. Our main character is Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger), who has been convicted after failing to follow an order that would require him to have killed innocent people. Ben is a difficult prisoner and tries to escape. After this failed attempt Ben and others are taken to participate on "The Running Man", a TV game show where prisoners fight for freedom...and their lives. Think "American Gladiators", but Nitro is firing real weapons at you instead of really heavy Nerf balls. The gladiators on this show are called things like 'Sub Zero' and 'Buzz Saw' and their outfits are as hokey as their names. Despite the large cheese factor from time to time, this movie really entertains. Often I think it gets lost in the dozens of Action and Sci-Fi films Ah-nuld did in the 80s and early 90s, but it's premise is original and ahead of its time. You'll see a few familiar faces including Jesse Ventura, Yaphet Kotto, Mick Fleetwood, Dweezil Zappa and former Family Fued Host, Richard Dawson.

Full of great Ah-nuld one liners and a great 80s Action movie that doesn't involve buddy cops or aliens, you really need to see this one. 4/5 -andy