Tekken (2010)

*Sigh* Where do I start? I am not even dignifying this review with any sort of quote, besides it would probably just add to the stupidity that is "Tekken". Being a huge fan of the games over the years, I suffered through this pile of garbage knowing full well nothing good would ever come from it. We all know that film adaptations of video games always turn out terrible or as close to terrible as possible without making you want to rip your eyes directly from your skull but the thing is I don't understand why they keep fucking up such a simple premise!! If you watch a movie like "Bloodsport" or "The Quest" with Jean Claude Van Damme then you've seen what movies like this or "Street Fighter" (1994) should've turned out to be: A bunch of excellent fighters come together for a violent and dangerous fighting tournament from all around the world. Pick one main character, don't rewrite the back story for him or anybody else to make it modern or fancy, and let the martial arts drive the story. The biggest issue I have with this dung heap is the ultra-modern, overly-detailed plot it was given. Instead of a simple tournament in the current year, this film takes place in a post-apocalyptic 2039 where after a sort-of World War III large Corporations have taken over the world. The Corporations then battle it out for control eventually dividing the world up into pieces amongst the 8 that are left. These 8 are referred to, collectively, as the "Iron Fist" and every year each Corporation sends its best fighter to compete in the "King of Iron Fist" tournament. If you know anything about the games your probably hanging and shaking your head in shame right now. It's bad...very bad. Terrible dialogue, awful acting and boring martial arts. This movie is based on a fighting game for pete's sake! At least they could've had some bad ass fight scenes but even those suck the life right out of this incredibly poor adaptation. Stay FAR away from this stinker. 0.5/5 -andy

Bloodsport (1988)

"Very Good. But brick not hit back!"

Well here we are again with another timeless Van Damme classic. "Bloodsport" plays out much like a live action version of a Street Fighter video game, even more so than Van Damme's own Street Fighter adaptation in 1994. American martial artist Frank Dux (pronounced "Dukes", an actual person as it turns out) who is also a military man, travels to Asia to compete in a Kumite tournament against the Army's wishes. Frank does so to make his master Tanaka proud and to prove he is the best. The military sends two men to bring Frank back to America in one piece, one of whom is played by Forrest Whitaker. The rest is pretty predictable. Frank meets a fellow American in the form of loud-mouthed Ray Jackson and is sweet on reporter Janice Kent, who is set on getting into the Kumite so she can do a story on it. The enemy in this is Chong Li, reigning Kumite champion. That's all I'll tell you for the sake of not giving everything away, however, should you see the film you'll find it pretty easy to figure out long before its over.

"Bloodsport" doesn't tread any new ground whatsoever, but it is definitely one of Van Damme's best. As usual his martial arts are top-notch, and this time the character's stand out much better than in "Kickboxer". The dialog is lame and the acting is pretty stiff but I found "Bloodsport" very entertaining through all of its drawbacks. Van Damme is especially at home in a story about a martial arts tournament. It is also my understanding that the real Frank Dux choreographed the fights in the film and trained Van Damme himself. Its old and a little aged, but if the martial arts section of 80s Action films are your thing, you'll enjoy "Bloodsport". 3/5 -andy

Kickboxer (1989)

" I want Tong Po! Give me Tong Po! "

Oh, Van Damme, how you filled my youth with your martial arts movies. Because of you I took Karate lessons for a year or so when I was in Elementary school. I wonder how many times has your thick-as-mud French accent been passed off as American? Ah, The memories. "Kickboxer" came out in 1989 but it looks like it came out in 1979. It doesn't hold up well visually and Van Damme's acting is as stiff and hard as his ridiculously chiseled physique. The Martial Arts film has its own little niche in 80s Action films and this is where Jean Claude Van Damme made himself a star. There is little difference between this or many more of his own films and others. The story follows Kurt (Van Damme) and his Kickboxing champion older brother Eric as they travel to Thailand to compete against Thailand's greatest, Tong Po. Eric is cocky and convinced he will win. Kurt tries to change his mind to no avail. Eric is promptly defeated and paralyzed from the waist down due to a final elbow to the back by Tong Po. Kurt vows revenge (who didn't see that coming?) and is introduced to Xian Chow by Winston (the former military man who drove Kurt and Eric to the hospital after the fight). Xian Chow trains Kurt in Muay Thai Kickboxing in a fashion not unlike Mr. Miyagi trains Daniel-san in "Karate Kid". That's pretty much the extent of the plot.

I didn't hate "Kickboxer" but I didn't really like it much either. I loved Van Damme movies when I was young but I hadn't seen one in nearly 20 years. The martial arts are good and Van Damme, as with other 80s Action stars during the decade, is in his prime but the dialog is terrible, the characters are goofy, underdeveloped and not very believable. For hardcore Van Damme fans only. Skip on this and instead see "Best of the Best." 1/5 -andy

Above The Law (1988)

"You guys think you're above the law... well you ain't above mine!"

In 1988 Steven Seagal made his film debut with "Above The Law". I was surprised to learn this because I always considered Seagal an 80s Action star but this was his only film to come out during the entire decade. Seagal is Nico Toscani, trained in Martial Arts, recruited into the CIA during the seventies. During his time in the CIA he is sent to Vietnam where he clashes with the methods of interrogator, Kurt Zagon (Henry Silva). After he leaves the CIA he comes home to Chicago, becomes a cop, gets married to Sharon Stone and has a baby. Nico is, as usual for the heroes in these films, the No. 1 cop but this is played much more quietly than it is in films like "Tango and Cash". He is reckless and doesn't often follow orders (again, another 80s Action cliche) but is extremely likable. The plot zooms all over the place and I only really got the gist of it by the time it was over. The bad guys were great bad guys who I really wanted to see get what they deserved (which they do!) but I didn't really understand their motivations most of the time. Some films can do jumpy plot lines well like "Memento" but only really when its jumpy nature is intentional to begin with. The inability to follow exactly who was bad and what was going on was really my only gripe with this movie. Seagal is in top form, looking great and kicking ass. This movie for me really stood the test of time when compared to some other 80s Action films. It's a shame that Seagal gets painted as some kind of goofball cause his earlier works are really quite entertaining.

There are other faces you'll recognize but may be unfamiliar with their names, as I am now writing this. This is probably the most serious of the 80s films I've looked at next to "Rambo: First Blood pt. 2" and definitely the most realistic and relevant. It is also lacking a large majority of the cliches typically found in these movies, which was really a delight. You won't find Seagal walking slowly away from large explosions and he doesn't hit every single person he fires a bullet at. If you can get over what the name Seagal means now, check out what it meant in 1988 when it was first unleashed upon the American movie going audience. On a side note, Seagal has a role in Robert Rodriguez' "Machete" coming out soon and I'm really hoping this could be a come back for the guy. 3.5/5 -andy

Best of the Best (1989)

"There is a kind of inner strength you never know you have until it's all you have"

Alex Grady (Eric Roberts) is a single father working at an auto factory and barely getting by. The only thing that matters is taking care of his son Walter. Grady, a former Tae Kwon Do/ mixed martial artist receives an invitation to tryout for the US National Team. With support from his mother and son Grady decides to give it a try. Coach of the team, Frank Couzo (James Earl Jones), sees talent in Alex and accepts him after a series of rigourus competitions. Alex is joined on the team with four others, Tommy Lee (Phillip Rhee), Travis Brickley (the late Christopher Penn), Virgil Keller (John Dye), Sonny Grasso (David Agresta), and assistant coach/spiritual advisor Catherine Wade (Sally Kirkland). All members of the team are completely different and each brings his own style of fighting to the table. Couzo's motto is " A team is not a team unless you give a damn about one another!" Team USA is set to face Korea for the title, a group that has spent their entire lives training to fight. For being made in the 80's this is one of the best mixed martial arts movies ever. You can't help but to connect with these characters. Roberts giving the best performance of his career, comedy relief from Penn, and Rhee playing his part with such conviction and who is undeniably concerned about facing his opponent, Dae Han who had killed his brother in a previous competetion while he was a child. The story is uplifting, the acting is genuine, and one of the best action movies of the late 80's that will make make you want to stand up and cheer. 4/5 -tom